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12 June 2012 @ 02:54 pm
We havent heard from Kip in a very long time. He emailed me about a month ago but hasn't called in 2 months. It can be a challenge. BUT we get to see him soon for two whole weeks :) I'm trying to stay focused on that. We've been doing well, Daegan and I. It's just hard sometimes. We are doing very well though. I'm just so happy with where we are at. We're getting through this deployment, we're at home and it's finally all cleaned up and organized, Daegan's smart and learning stuff, etc. And we get to see Kip in a little over two weeks :) :) I imagine he'll call us before he gets...like...on his way here. :)
28 May 2012 @ 12:53 am
I can't sleep and I miss my husband.

Happy Memorial Day :)

I see Kip in 5 weeks!!! :) I know things haven't always been easy or wonderful for us, but we are doing SO well. And it's only going to get better!! He secured a normal, 9 to 5 job for when he gets back!!! He misses me and loves me and sent me flowers a couple months ago and sent a mushy-by-kip's-standards-which-are-actually-getting-pretty-realistically-mushy email last week and...it's just awesome. I think we are finally really becoming what each other needs. I guess we were always what each other WANTED, but ...it's really hard to co-exist with someone. We are finally lining up the same dreams, goals, etc. It's pretty awesome. And I really appreciate it. It's been really tough at times and confusing since we're really not TOGETHER very much.

Between this new job, his potential promotion and congress' passing of the temporary early retirement thing, ...I mean, we could actually be able to spend our lives together now. He could retire at 33. I don't know if he WILL, but it's possible for us to like...just be together from fall on out.

I am just....very...hopeful right now.
26 May 2012 @ 12:47 am
I am missing Kip a lot. I was hoping he would call today. Or yesterday. But that was not to be, apparently. His email was enough for now, I guess.

Daegan and I are returning home Tuesday. He is really not doing well not being around other kids.

I know how to mow a lawn. Finally. Only just using a riding mower. Still no idea how to operate a regular lawn mower.

23 May 2012 @ 06:45 pm
I will see Kip in 5 weeks. Hurray!! Also, he sent me an email today - finally. He said some things that made me sad, but mostly it made me happy because I was hearing from him and he's still saying super nice things - like he can't wait to see me and he misses me and he loves me and misses me more than he could ever show me or tell me. I was particularly happy to get that email because I sent him kind of a less-than-good email this morning. He ignored everything in it, mind you, but he also didn't say I hate you. His mom and I have been having a VERY difficult time the last two weeks or so, which is unusual for us, but she said some very very mean things and doesn't care for my "happy/sad/happy/sad" moods (....they are really not good at dealing with depression). But I emailed him how sad and miserable I was and that I was going home. So he completely ignored all of that. But, like I said, he did say some nice things, so I'm clinging to that. He also made it sound like he might call tomorrow. He didn't say I'm going to call tomorrow, but he did say they just got back tonight and the phones weren't working so he checked his email. But if he just got in, he will likely have a little bit of time tomorrow. maybe.
Maybe I'm just not ever meant to have a real family.
10 May 2012 @ 10:57 pm
and i just got scared beyond the telling of it. someone pulled into the driveway at 1019pm. turns out it was church related. i was just relieved when one person, sans a uniform, got out.
10 May 2012 @ 10:23 pm
I'm really worried about Kip. This deployment sucks in so many ways. Now I'm terrified about our future. I called Jessie to try to get some help, but now I'm even more scared. And Ben just got to Afghanistan yesterday; I'm curious to learn where he ends up.

I just don't know what to do about Kip. Plus, odds are we won't be speaking til R&R. And the four times we've spoken since Christmas have not really been good. He sent me a super nice email about a week ago, but...I'm very worried. This really, really sucks. And so few people know and so few people care. I actually had one ex-friend tell me that there were reasons they were up at 3am and they just didnt care. That had me pissed off for about a second until I realized I could just tell them to fuck off and my life would not really be any worse off. Not that I think the world revolves around me; I just think if that's someone's reaction, they really aren't a friend.
04 May 2012 @ 03:30 am
This has been some really bad last couple of day.

Kip's group got hit by another bomb. It's really depressing. I did so well for the first half - he's going what he love, he's providing for us, I thought sending those flowers was the sweetest things ever. But he's just ending his reign of protection over me.

And kip's parents were pretty annoyed with me. I was so depressed, i'd just stay in bed. And sleep and sleep and sleep. Apparently mom and dad were both really busy this morning and daegan was pretty much running the show for/by himself. I hate that I did that, but it was like...i don't even remember talking to her. I didn't even have to take something to sleep, I was just completely exhausted. And his parents kept asking me what was wrong. So Anyway, i broke and told them what happened. Which just made Kip's mom that much ("he's only our son". But I wasnt trying to make them more upset I was trying to protect them the way Kip used to, me. So...that all happened. I don't know where we stand now, honestly. She went to Autumn's to babysit tomorrow and dad was busy all day.

So they're a little more understanding now, or at least dad is. It's just...like a huge reality check. i try not to envision what his days are like, but...Im just so mad/sad. He never says "hey im going somewhere bad, see ya'. He took away my, albeit undeserved, protection.

I'm just mad and sad about Kip.
Feels Like...: depresseddepressed
29 April 2012 @ 12:14 am
6 weeks to the day, Kip called. I was so happy to hear his voice. Unfortunately, the conversation did not go all well. He is...practically at his breaking point. He's tired and stressed and overworked and ....short with me. At first it was ok, I asked how he was, told him i missed him, etc. He talked to Daegan and told him happy birthday. Then I made a mistake asking him a question that he didn't like, and he flipped. Then to make it even worse, he told me he was going somewhere, couldn't tell me where, or for how long, or what the hell he'd even be doing, and...That made me really, really sad. We'd never...I mean, to end a conversation like that? To end OUR conversation like that? He said he was stressed and he knows he's upset about work....I don't know. I told him if the question I asked were reversed, I'd be extremely upset - but he's never been that way. He's always the levelheaded one. He's usually so understanding. Then he kind of calmed down and I was crying and I would have given anything for him to stay back on this mission. He never tells me if he's doing something dangerous - and, hello captain obvious, his whole job is to find bombs and detonate them. I'm not SO dumb, I just opt not to think about it and we don't talk about it. He knows his job, he rocks at it and I don't NEED to know. So to tell me that, it really...hurt. It made things feel more real. TO try to make me feel better he said "Nothing bad will happen, I won't let it. Nothing happens." And I said, that's a fucking lie - we just discussed going to Virginia on R&R to go see Owens, who broke his back in the last incident. So no, it's not true that nothing happens. It's not true that the trucks are armored enough to stop everything. It's not true that he'll be safe. And I hate being confronted with that truth. It makes me feel sick inside.

And it was over something SO DUMB. He never answered my emails. So, in one email I said is it ok with you if I talk to JD, since we still seem to have things in common. No response. I sent another a week or so later, saying no worries, I think i pissed him off and he's ignoring me. (Eventually he messaged me again, like a week after that). So, while I had him on the phone I asked him and he FLIPPED out. He yelled at me telling me I "keep bringing him up" and he's sick of hearing about it. And he WOULDN'T care, cept I keep bringing it up every phone call. Which, if you follow the space time continuum of normal people, could not possible be true since I havent talked to Kip in 6 weeks and only started talking to JD a month ago. And I didn't want to keep doing something if it upset him, so I thought I was being practical by bringing it up and asking. I'm sure he just got scared and insecure on top of being super pissed about work, but it hurt so much. I said "Oh, hey, so is it ok if I talk to JD?" that's it. That's all. THAT made him unhappy. I'm just used to him being the secure, non-caring one. I didn't MEAN to upset him.

I apologized, I explained why I was asking and I admitted quite freely that if the roles were reversed I'd fucking end him. But that's because I'm a paranoid, neurotic pile of crazy.

But..."I'm leaving on a dangerous mission and will be gone a while." "Where are you going?" "I can't tell you." Even if he gave me exact coordinates to where he would be, I wouldn't be able to find it. (I never know if it's longitude then latitude or vice versa). Still, ok, I get it he can't tell me, but why say dangerous missions? Aren't they all by default? And what if it's the same route they got Owens?

And we're not guaranteed to stay in NY and we'd be up to leave in December.

I tried so hard to be like...not a jerk to him. And he's being so completely different. And I KNOW work is affecting him. I KNOW he's unhappy as hell to be away from us and dealing with bullshit and temper tantrums between soldiers. I was ASKING so as to not make things worse for him on a personal level. He said he was sorry for getting upset. But I fucking hated getting off the phone with him. I was crying like an idiot asking him to just stay another minute. THEN he was nice. "Baby, I won't let anything happen. I'm coming home to you. Nothing will go wrong. I promise."

I liked having my head in the sand so much better. Even when his truck got hit, I could ignore it. If he got hurt, he sure didn't tell me and he was quick to point out that everyone got taken care of immediately and the right way (hence owens being home and playing marvel avengers on facebook with me all the time). Now I can't get his living conditions out of my head. One shower. For at least 2 platoons. Living in a tent. ---oh, hey, silver lining: he gets to hang out with camels, I bet --- Not seeing his son. He's so angry. And I don't blame him and now I feel like a shitty person.

I'm used to us arguing when he's deployed. Usually I feel neglected and stuff, but not this deployment. Not even with the 6 weeks of radio silence, I still was fine and it didn't bother me. The deployment is going well for me --- well, now obviously, I had to rely a LOT on my friends and family in the first part. I'm not used to us fighting because he's insecure or scared or just hating life. He keeps things to himself to protect me. And he stopped doing that and I don't know why.

Keeping with that theme, he said NY state rules allow for my mother to take us to court. I assumed no judge would be stupid enough to take the case, but he says they probably will but he still doesn't think they'll win. He's prepared to fight dirty on that front. We even discussed trying to get my permanent address to be in Illinois so that there are no ground to even start the process (different laws). But we have the house in NY. BUT it's not in my name, he's the only one of the mortgage.

He doesn't want me to get a restraining order because he thinks that will just piss them off more, but did say they aren't allowed on our property.

UGH. I just should have known. But his reaction was just so out of character! It would be logical for him to be upset, but completely unprecedented. I deserve to be punched in the face. Of course he would be less than enthused since (1) I typically don't have guy friends and (2) especially not ones I've slept with. It was just....reasonable but completely unexpected since we're talking about KIP. He says we're good but...i feel like the biggest idiot. Someone should punch me in the face. It sounds SO lame to be like "whoa, i didnt think he'd be upset about something I'd end him for doing", but it's also so true.

I love him so much that it feels like I had no even remote concept of what love was before I met him. I miss him constantly, every second it's like a deep ache.

I am such a dirt bag.

The worst part of it all is that you know every single person who died over there told SOMEONE the same promise Kip made me before we hung up.
Feels Like...: scaredscared
Sounds Like...: Matt Good - Girl in the War
27 April 2012 @ 11:34 am

This song is my latest addiction.

I am going fucking crazy without Kip. Tomorrow will be 6 weeks. I am well aware of the fact that, while Kip's living conditions are deplorable and we rarely talk, he's way better off than he was in Iraq his first deployment and he's a fuck load better than the reserves and national guards men and women who were sent before the war started. They had 18 month deployments and little to no communications with their loved ones.

Nonetheless, this sucks. There is SO much going on here. My mother is threatening to take us to court for grandparent's visitation rights, and she wants to be able to come pick Daegan up, take him away and bring him back. Uh, no. Even if she wins the trial, one parent has to be there to supervise. More importantly, she doesn't have grounds for a case. She'd have to prove a longstanding relationship (seeing him often or having had primary custody of the child for a period of time. Neither of my parents saw Daegan before he was 8 or 9 months old. It's been erratic and honestly I don't think he'd recognize them. He doesnt have names for them (diane is mama, tom is papa). AND the primary reason a court would seriously look at these matters is when the parents are divorced and like, say i had custody, and I wasn't letting Kip's parents see him. Since out marriage is in tact, and we made a joint agreement, our lawyer says that we should be fine and there's no grounds for a case.

And Pirate! I had to board her for 2 1/2 weeks. She was aggressive at first because she was terrified, but they she settled down and the lady loved her. Now, she's at Kip's friend's house about 15 minutes away. He breeds beagles and had an extra kennel outside. It's not ideal, but she can't get in any trouble out there. Daegan and I are going to go see her today, as soon as it gets late enough that Kip probably won't call. Her boarding bill was almost $300. ugh.

I don't want to be alone in NY. I don't think I want to move back until Kip comes home. But we have to go out there for R&R cuz he has to do promotion paperwork. It'll be awesome if he gets promoted again; he'll be a first sergeant and an extremely young on at that (most don't make e8 until they've been in more than 15 years). I just don't want anyone to find me. Or talk to me. Or try to threaten or bully me.

They had a rumor going around too that Kip was home. I swear to fuck I have no idea where they come up with these things.

Sigh. I just miss him so much. I miss his voice. I worry about him. I used to never worry about him. I was confident in his abilities. But after what happened to his driver and the people in his truck...It's hard not to worry.